FESTER

I am not a failure.

Jason Eddowes was a failure.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -   -   -   -   - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

DATE UNKNOWN

CHESHIRE AND WIRRAL PARTNERSHIP - NHS - CHILD AND ADOLESCENT MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES (CAMHS)

AJM: And I think I could eat. I know I could eat. But I choose not to.

JFA: Why do you choose not to?

AJM: Because I can.

JFA: Sanna, do you feel you have control over your life?

AJM: Uh... sometimes I feel like I'm... I don't know – scared? I just don't want any trouble, you know? I apologise like crazy because I don't want to upset anyone. It's like walking in a jungle at night trying not to wake the lions- sorry, I'm not making any sense.

JFA: That's OK; this is good, Sanna. Where are you living right now?

AJM: Alvanley. Jason works at Stanlow.

JFA: Do you get along with him?

AJM: ...Yeah, he's alright.

JFA: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you hesitated.

AJM: We have our ups and downs. He's fine. Really. So-

JFA: It's to my understanding that he was the subject of a number of domestic dispute calls regarding your household.

AJM: I said we have our ups and downs.

JFA: Sanna, every family has arguments. But there comes a point where some families cross certain boundaries that can leave some members very unhappy, or even injured.

AJM: Mmm hmm.

JFA: Has that ever happened at your house?

AJM: ...No.

JFA: How do Jason and your mother get along?

AJM: Fine. As long as it's all in order.

JFA: Order?

AJM: I told you, Jason works at Stanlow, in summer months he has to deal with a lot of protesters, he's always really stressed out when he gets back. And if Mam ever wants to go out, he insists on going with her and it tires him out even more.

JFA: Hmm. Whatever is happening in your home – does it make you feel unhappy?

AJM: Kind of.

JFA: Does it affect your schoolwork? 

AJM: Yes.

JFA: Does it affect your social life?

AJM: Yeah.

JFA: When was the last time you felt safe and happy?

AJM: [silence, although a sob and mild audio distortion can be heard]

JFA: Sanna?

AJM: ...I can't remember, sorry.

JFA: Can you think of anything that would potentially make you feel safe and happy?

AJM: Not off the top of my head.

JFA: Your father, perhaps?

AJM: Depends on what he's like, I suppose.

JFA: Do you often think of your father?

AJM: Well... I think of who he might be. Like sometimes I dream about how it could be, if it had been different.

JFA: Can you describe him in those dreams?

AJM: Not really. I just imagine a hug, an embrace, not really looking at the person I'm hugging, just kind of... knowing that's he's my dad. The sense of someone who's kind of a guide, a guardian... well, a parent, really.

JFA: Is the hug returned? Does he say anything?

AJM: No, and no. He doesn't have to say anything. I just know he's the person I want to call my father, and that's all that matters.

JFA: If you could meet him now, what would you say to him?

AJM: I'd say... uh... 'I love you, but I wish I could have known you before. I don't understand why you left.'

JFA: Do you believe he had a good reason to leave?

AJM: I'd like to.

JFA: But you don't.

AJM: Yeah. I can't think of any reason why I couldn't get... at least a phone call, you know? But Mam and Jason aren't very receptive when I talk about it.

JFA: Does that bother you?

AJM: Sometimes it bothers me a lot. Sometimes I think, hey, I don't need a dad, I don't need parents. I can find my own way.

JFA: Can you?

AJM: [sigh] Would I be here if I could?