TOXIN

What a day. What a day what a day what a day. And what a HYPOCRITE she is.

Remember that money Alexandria took from McAllister and Andrei? That money went to getting hold of some arsenic. Why the fuck does that mean kitty prioritise my death over her personal safety? I don't know who her supplier was but I'm going to pull their tongue out through their ass, because if there's a market for arsenic, we want in on that shit.

What happened was, me and some of the gang rented a banya (sauna) for some laughs and drinks. We're careful with our drinks, I swear, and we make sure nobody spikes them. And nobody does. We never thought to check the banya's steam, though. But we ain't stupid, we knew something was up when we all started to complain about our headaches. Then Vladik threw up all over the drinks tray. So, we all hauled ass to the hospital.

Turns out someone had POISONED the water that makes the steam. Like FUCK. The owner of the banya told me she'd seen a teenage girl hanging around, but had thought nothing of it. It's true: a teenage girl won't do me any harm. It just pisses me off when she gets at least a bit close, though.

Nobody is seriously hurt. I am giving evidence to the police so they can catch that disobedient little tart. We're good pals, me and the police. 

They know who to hand her over to when they catch her.

Bye for now.

GALLOWS

Talmai, Talmai, Talmai. It's been so long since I even gave you a single thought. Nothing personal, although I'd like to remedy that now.

Usually I have prophetic dreams. But the other day I had a dream about something I once did. It was a refreshing change. But I realise I might have acted brashly. So this post is to apologise for what I did that day. Couldn't have been that long ago. Don't really remember.

Once upon a time I was working in Estonia. There was this eccentric Runner/Fighter guy from England who called himself Talmai. Twisted as fuck, but it was kind of endearing, if a bit annoying. Talmai was undercover in the proxy organisation, an infiltrator, along with his merry group. He'd brought his family along. He got to spend time with his daughters, he saw them and his wife every day. And even when he wasn't with them, he just never stopped talking about them. On and on and on. And on. And on! They invited me to their hotel. They were there as a family... so fucking... happy.

We did our shit, they had just gotten back to England when I gave an anonymous tip to the proxies that he was an infiltrator.

Not sure what happened next. All I know is, nobody's heard a peep from Talmai or his family or associates in over six months.

So, sorry Talmai. Think I reacted a bit harshly there. No hard feelings. Wish I could find your grave and not piss on your corpse. If you even have a grave. Or even a corpse.

DYSPHORIA

Hey, it's your favourite friend Tyoma. Well, I went out and did what I said I'd do - that is, kill Andrei and put the fear of God into McAllister. They were piss easy to track down, I swear to god, they spend too much time around tech. Well-off gangsters don't slip under the radar here. So, I hunted down their nice little residence, knocked on the door, because I was feeling generous that day.

An: "Who are you, and why are you here?"

Me: "I'm the stuff of your nightmares and I'm here to haunt your ass."

I pulled my hood down so he could see my eyes, what Alexandria and I share, green eyes. Like my mother, and her father, and her father's mother...

He went for his gun, good job I actually got to mine first, a? I put it to his empty head.

Me: "Drop your gun and I won't shoot. I'm not here to hurt you unless you hurt me."

Obviously that was a lie, but if you say it in the right tone of voice, people will think you're just trying to orchestrate the situation and that you'll leave them once you've got money or whatever.

An: "Easy now." He put the gun down slowly. "I don't know who you are, or why you're here, but nobody has to get hurt."

Nobody has to get hurt, readers. That's not to say nobody will get hurt. If you understand that, you're a good candidate for surviving longer than it takes for you to get to a bathroom when you have a turtlehead. Anyway, I'm not a fuckin idiot, I kicked his away gun hard enough for it to fly across the hallway and smash a vase.

Me: "You don't know who I am?" I turned the safety off. "Bullshit. Say my name or I'll blow your fucking head off."

An: "You that b- that girl's father?" 

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed him starting to lower his hands to the floor. Which I did not give him permission to do. Seriously. Does he have any sense of hostage etiquette?

Me: "Yeah, and you will keep your hands by your fucking head!"

He put his hands back up. A little less hastily than I would have liked to have seen, but, he was obedient and that's all you really need. The rest is just a bonus.

An: "And what are you doing here? Would've thought you'd be with the kid."

Me: "Told you, she ran off didn't she?" I gave him a few seconds to jog his memory, then said, "Hey. Andreika. What was your first word?"

He paused. I don't think he got it. Then he just said

An: "What?"

Me: "Weird how your first word was English, anyway, take comfort that it's your last-"

And I pulled the trigger and watched his skull collapse in at the back and burst, blasting brains and blood and bits down the hallway. It was pleasant enough; had a nice trajectory.

Next for everyone's favourite babochka. McAllister. He had gotten on the phone and was talking to some prick

McA: "Situation in Russia, come armed, Andrei's hurt bring a medic."

I went in, twisted his arm until he dropped the phone and onto his knees like the little bitch he is.

Me: "Situation in Russia?" It was unprofessional of me but I couldn't help lol'ing. "Do you have any motherfucking idea how big Russia is?" (Hint: Russia is so huge, that even my dick thinks it's pretty big.)  "As for Andrei. You might need a coroner, not a medic."

McA: "You... you're here to kill me, aren't you?"

Me: "Yeah. Glad we could skip to that. It can get so exhausting trying to hint at it." I whacked him with my 9mm until he was on the floor. "First you get to feel something at least close the same fear my little girl felt." Then started punching and kicking him in the weak spots. Stomach, face, ballsack. And he curled into a ball. Like a fucking foetus. Christ, what a cowardly little bitch.

He had it coming to him, anyway. Once I was really starting to get into it, although trying to keep him somewhat conscious, there was a gunshot and the light went out. Had to get my gun back out.

Me: "Who the fuck's there?"

Another shot. Whoever the bastard shooting was, he grazed me. What a crap shot he is. He's gonna be sorry when I get my fucking hands on him.

Whoever it was fired again, in an enclosed environment it's best not to risk it; I ran, got my ass back here, cleaned the blood of my boots, and I'm gonna get faded as feck tonight. Having fun today.

FESTER

I am not a failure.

Jason Eddowes was a failure.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -   -   -   -   - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

DATE UNKNOWN

CHESHIRE AND WIRRAL PARTNERSHIP - NHS - CHILD AND ADOLESCENT MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES (CAMHS)

AJM: And I think I could eat. I know I could eat. But I choose not to.

JFA: Why do you choose not to?

AJM: Because I can.

JFA: Sanna, do you feel you have control over your life?

AJM: Uh... sometimes I feel like I'm... I don't know – scared? I just don't want any trouble, you know? I apologise like crazy because I don't want to upset anyone. It's like walking in a jungle at night trying not to wake the lions- sorry, I'm not making any sense.

JFA: That's OK; this is good, Sanna. Where are you living right now?

AJM: Alvanley. Jason works at Stanlow.

JFA: Do you get along with him?

AJM: ...Yeah, he's alright.

JFA: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you hesitated.

AJM: We have our ups and downs. He's fine. Really. So-

JFA: It's to my understanding that he was the subject of a number of domestic dispute calls regarding your household.

AJM: I said we have our ups and downs.

JFA: Sanna, every family has arguments. But there comes a point where some families cross certain boundaries that can leave some members very unhappy, or even injured.

AJM: Mmm hmm.

JFA: Has that ever happened at your house?

AJM: ...No.

JFA: How do Jason and your mother get along?

AJM: Fine. As long as it's all in order.

JFA: Order?

AJM: I told you, Jason works at Stanlow, in summer months he has to deal with a lot of protesters, he's always really stressed out when he gets back. And if Mam ever wants to go out, he insists on going with her and it tires him out even more.

JFA: Hmm. Whatever is happening in your home – does it make you feel unhappy?

AJM: Kind of.

JFA: Does it affect your schoolwork? 

AJM: Yes.

JFA: Does it affect your social life?

AJM: Yeah.

JFA: When was the last time you felt safe and happy?

AJM: [silence, although a sob and mild audio distortion can be heard]

JFA: Sanna?

AJM: ...I can't remember, sorry.

JFA: Can you think of anything that would potentially make you feel safe and happy?

AJM: Not off the top of my head.

JFA: Your father, perhaps?

AJM: Depends on what he's like, I suppose.

JFA: Do you often think of your father?

AJM: Well... I think of who he might be. Like sometimes I dream about how it could be, if it had been different.

JFA: Can you describe him in those dreams?

AJM: Not really. I just imagine a hug, an embrace, not really looking at the person I'm hugging, just kind of... knowing that's he's my dad. The sense of someone who's kind of a guide, a guardian... well, a parent, really.

JFA: Is the hug returned? Does he say anything?

AJM: No, and no. He doesn't have to say anything. I just know he's the person I want to call my father, and that's all that matters.

JFA: If you could meet him now, what would you say to him?

AJM: I'd say... uh... 'I love you, but I wish I could have known you before. I don't understand why you left.'

JFA: Do you believe he had a good reason to leave?

AJM: I'd like to.

JFA: But you don't.

AJM: Yeah. I can't think of any reason why I couldn't get... at least a phone call, you know? But Mam and Jason aren't very receptive when I talk about it.

JFA: Does that bother you?

AJM: Sometimes it bothers me a lot. Sometimes I think, hey, I don't need a dad, I don't need parents. I can find my own way.

JFA: Can you?

AJM: [sigh] Would I be here if I could?